Yes, you want them. Just stay with me.
It’s such a stained, tainted word, right? To regret is to feel bad about something that you did or were a part of doing. It could be a missed opportunity, a mistake, a failure, or a moment where you revealed yourself to be too selfish or ambitious or uncaring.
People who say they don’t have regrets are either boring and uninteresting or full of it.
First, is it possible to be safe enough, boring enough, careful enough to never have a regret? Simply based on the random nature of life, no way. Even the most prepared, thoughtful, and careful person will end up with a few regrets.
Second, most people are just lying. Regrets imply failure and we’re trained to deny failure at all costs. That’s of course sad, since failure drives learning and is essential to eventual success. So, given the stigma, we deny regrets and tell others we have lived something closer to a flawless life as opposed to a more imperfect regret-filled life.
Bunk. It’s normal to have regrets. Research suggests that most adults have 3-4 major regrets (and lots of minor ones). And I suggest it’s good to have regrets! Kinda. Think of it this way:
If you have the minimum possible number of regrets based on safe boring behavior, well that’s common – enjoy being mediocre. This is 1-2 major regrets. Maybe one happened due to your actions. The other one was random.
At the other extreme, if you have a very above average number of regrets, let’s say 5-6 or more, you’ve got issues. That’s clearly too much. You’re a good candidate for therapy and / or coaching (aren’t we all…). You may in fact have trouble staying employed. Bigtime decision making is challenging for you and figuring out why sooner than later would be smart.
However, if you’re in the middle with 3-4 major regrets – that’s normal. The real question is what have you learned? The people in this group who choose to think, learn, and grow – they prosper. The rest of them end up in the 5-6+ group eventually.
Think of it like marriage. The divorce statistics are horrible. Over 50% of first marriages fail, over 60% for second marriages, and over 70% of third marriages. Scary, but try to focus on explaining successful second (or even third) marriages. In short, these are people who chose to learn, grow, and make better decisions. As a result, this wise group makes better choices about the people they marry, and they thoughtfully engage that person far more productively than they did in the last marriage.
Regret is often just a type of failure. Use it, don’t be merely stigmatized by it. Look in the mirror and really think about why it happened, how you contributed to it happening, and what you’ll do differently moving forward.
Marriages, leadership decisions that impact many, career decisions that might make or break you – they are all the same at some level. The harder you push to excel and move forward, the more likely a regret might emerge. You’re imperfect, not a genius, tired, have bad moments, etc. – regrets happen!
But if you learn from them, you just might become a better, more successful person. Long live regret.